A Battle I Don't Want to Fight

I've talked about our church battles before.  The battle continues.  We aren't going again today.  I'm probably making a bigger deal out of this than it really is because of my issues.  M, nor the kids, have such issues so it is easy for them to blow off our commitment and put in an appearance whenever the mood strikes.

We became members last fall after I completed my classes.  The kids and I were baptized.  We are also tithed , not 10%, but what we could realistically afford.  C is going on a youth group trip to New Orleans for a conference this summer for which the congregation has donated generously to in several funraising initiatives this past year.  Both C and Z are in the middle of Confirmation classes.

M doesn't see the need to go every week even when we don't have a conflict like soccer games.  The kids twitch and moan about going to church and class.  They make the hour plus of church an experience that I dread.  C and Z see they service as acolytes as another dreaded chore that they don't want to do.  They don't like to go to any of the other functions or events either.  

There are any number of levels to our need to attend church.  I have put forth all of them, but I have not won any of the arguments and I'm ready to give in.  I'm not saying that I won't continue to attend, but I'm done trying to force my family (especially when I don't have the support of my husband) to attend church.  I'm tired of arguing....

Instead

I could go on and on about my craptastic day, but I not going to.

Instead I'm happy to report that I truly believe A has overcome his Encopresis. He is having regular BMs at school and at home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is taking a break from the stool softener and still have regular BMs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is in underwear during the day and at night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No accidents in weeks...................

and

I at least have something pretty to look at and listen to. The song is on my IPod and I have all the good parts bookmarked at You Tube.



We went to church tonight. I like the shortened services for Lent. We were out of there in 40 minutes and I enjoyed the sermon of the visiting pastor. I got in some prayer and left feeling rejuvinated and calm.

I'm still in my room hiding out with the computer tonight. Hey, I can't be all sweetness and light. I'm going to crash early tonight as I've been up VERY late the last three nights sewing my secret quilt project, surfing the net, and reading. I zipped through Elizabeth Scott's Something, Maybe (YA). I can recommend the sewing, not the surfing, and I loved the book. (Would that I'd of had a boy like Finn in high school.)

Technical Difficulties

Sorry! I had some technical difficulties after I tried to edit and add a new look. I really screwed up this thing, but I think I've got it all under control.

Wow....it's Sunday night and the weekend just blew by. Definitely not happy about it, but there's nothing I can do except look forward to next weekend and to hope that the week zooms by with little incident.

Todays doings:

Trudged to church. Squirmed in my seat for the service with the rest of the kids. (At least we didn't have Communion.) I know I sound ungrateful and unworthy, but I am struggling. If my faith was just between God and me, it would be an entirely different story. I know I'm not explaining myself to well, but I don't have it in me. Suffice to say before the past couple of months, I was really trying by putting on a very positive face and praying a lot. The kids have become so difficult about going and church has become one more thing that I have to NAG about.

I can't tell you how over I am about having to nag about almost EVERYTHING.

I'm feeling lost. I'm questioning my strength. I'm about to give up on this, too.

And on a funny note, I'm totally obsessed over the One Night with the King movie from movie night a couple of weeks ago. The story of Esther and Xerxes fascinates me. I've been reading up and I'm totally aware that this movie is an incredibly romanticized tale of their story, but I need some romance in my life. I find it very interesting that this movie specifically depends on Jacob, Rachel, and Leah's story as important to the plot, another incredibly fascinating story. I've always enjoyed the history and stories more than the drudgery and politics associated with church going. I've always wanted to know more and tried on numerous occasions studying up, including being inspired for awhile by the Women of the Bible BOM a couple of years ago, but always got distracted with other things. This is my first real attempt as an adult to be involved with organized religion.

One would probably guess that I struggle in THIS group setting as well. One would think, that in this setting of circumstance and reserve, that I could make it work. One would think.......... I always feel like an outsider. Trust me, I tried to get involved but I know it's not imagination as to how set in their ways the congregation is. I wasn't trying to change the world, but infuse some new ideas into doing things. After being rebuffed on all occasions, I've given up.

I've been on Shuffle all afternoon. I've been using my IPod to tune out the world at night with some audiobooks, but I've forced myself to get back into some music. I have over 1000 songs on the thing and I'm enjoying listening to my favorites and shuffling through the rest. I loaded an ITunes card and bought some new tunes the past couple of days. Avril Lavigne's Alice, Lady Antebellum's Need You Now, Mat Kearney's Closer to Love, and Phoenix's 1901.

So, if I can get into a book I may be feeling better on the surface. I doubt my heart will never be the same. I'm just trying to figure out enough distractions.