I'm debating whether or not to throw myself back into life.....  This would mean forcing myself to get out in the world and maybe joining some type of group...trying to make friends....being more social.

When I was 16, I tried to commit suicide.  The memories are blurry in my mind.  I don't know if it's because I've killed off too many brain cells or if it's just the way my brain works.  (I don't remember anything about growing up or even from when my kids were little.)  I do remember feeling that I didn't want to be in this world any more.  There was a lot going on in my life.  I wasn't adjusting well to school after our move to Colorado.  My grades, doing well in school had always defined me, were slipping and I had a couple of Cs.  My mom had just had my brother.  My grandfather was living with us and dying of stomach cancer.  My dad was working out of state.  I took a bunch of Advil and Tylenol because it was the only thing available.  All that ended up happening is that I got really sick.  I didn't even get taken to the hospital.

After that experience, I threw myself into life.  I forced myself to make a friend and to be more social.  I got through the last two years of high school.  I had to work really hard at things.  Deep down, though, I was the same person.  Passive Aggressive.  Not well-liked.  A place holder.

In most respects, I do feel like it's too late for me.  I usually take the easy road of making excuses and just whining about things.  My latest thing to say is that I'll have more time when the kids are older, but I know there will always be some obstacle that I put in my way.

I'm beyond reinventing myself.

Benefit

There is something to be said for going cold turkey.

I may be losing interest in the computer, checking my email, and using it for quilting.  Few people write me just because and the only emails I really get are junk.  I have a lot of other things to do besides being on the computer.  I don't really need to quilt because not many people care about me quilting either.

Yeah... welcome to another one of my pity parties.

Not having a computer is a good thing.

The End of the World: Close, but not quite....may be I should have said "the end of MY world"

The home computer isn't working.  We aren't in any hurry to fix it--probably because we have a Mac laptop to use and don't ever have to use the home computer.  C has a computer in her room, too.  It may come down to me using hers--yeah, like that will go over.  I can only hope we can salvage the hard drive.

Ugh!

There are many things that I can live without, but I've decided the computer isn't one of them.

On three, ROLL your eyes......

Shocker

Wow!  That's really pink..........  It almost glows.  When the light is on, the color radiates like its glowing.

M finally painted the girls' closet last weekend.  They compromised and Sarah got to have her pink in the closet.  The rest of the room is going to be purple.

I've never painted before.  M and I always have this discussion......  He never tapes.  It looks very messy at the seam.  He says it will be fixed when he paints the ceiling.  Is that a backwards way of doing things?  We've had this issue in other rooms.

I think I've decided I like white.  Sure there are different shades of white, but I don't think I've ever had much issue with not liking a shade.  I think we should have gone at least two shades lighter on this paint.

I'd better not say much more.  He would never finish...........  As it is, we've had the paint for three months.

$11.35

I visited another one of my favorite quilt shops yesterday, Holly's Quilt Cabin.  They are expanding into the space next door.  I miss Great American Quilt Factory, but Holly's was my second favorite so I'm learning to adjust.  I still visit the other store that will remain nameless because it's closer, but only because of that fact.

I got sticker shock, though!

I saw fabrics priced at $11.35/yd.  Ouch!  No one has to explain cotton prices, etc.  I've heard the news.

How many of us will be changing our fabric buying habits?  I may be forced to use my stash!  I know I've already started changing my habits for other reasons, but I still like to buy fabric just because.  It is a guilty pleasure.  I don't think there will be any just because purchases any more.....

I allowed myself to be tempted by a pattern, though.  Counterpoint  I'm debating whether or not I can use it for my Spoonflower vampire fabric.  I may try it out first on the yard of the regular cotton piece that I have first.

Miss Smarty Pants

We finally got C's transcript for school.  Her report card arrived a couple of weeks ago, but it was missing grades for a couple of classes.  I was told of some glitch in the Power School online system.  Her school just sent me her transcript instead.

She has 108 kids in her class which I didn't know.

She is 14 in her class or 12 in her class when her weighted math and english honors classes, As in both, taken into consideration.

I'm very proud of her!  She works really hard....most of the time.  There are many things that don't come easy to her.  She prefers math because there isn't any spelling involved.  She's not a reader so the english grade was wonderful!  (She actually improved after I stopped helping her.)

It's a Good Thing I Like Baseball!

Zach, Sarah, and Alex are playing baseball this summer.

I will be with them at the ballparks M-F.  Sarah practices or plays M, W, and F 5-6:30.  Zach is 6:30-8:00/8:30 T, TH, and F (or later since the games sometimes run long).  Alex practices or plays T and Th from 5-6:30.  I can't expect M to come home early all the time so I'll have to be baseball supermom for the most part. 

I'm trying to plan which isn't my strong suit.  I don't want to and can't afford to eat out every night of the week.  I've already warned the kids that we'll be eating a lot of sandwiches, wraps, and salads.  I'll just have to make sure I make up for it on the weekends.

We got more info on C's soccer.  She has to be fitted for unis tomorrow.  I've been told to expect to pay for two and most likely three as well as accessories.  Her registration has to be in this week.  We're also supposed to have a meeting soon....  NO mention of price for anything.  I think its one of those things that if you have to ask, you can't afford it.  I'm hoping that she doesn't start practices until after baseball.  She is going to be on the same team as her old ESA soccer coach's daughter.  I told her we needed to start our own little organization for fundraising so we could sell chocolates, candles, and Butter Braids, etc.

I worked on the Twilight quilt of and on all weekend long.  I'm somewhat impaired when it comes to writing directions and including graphics.  You see, I rarely use instructions.  HA!  So, you have someone who doesn't use instructions to make quilts trying to write instructions for other people.  I think it's about one of the funniest things.....

And You're Mad at Me Because...........?!

To say that we are a dysfunctional sort of family is understating even as harsh as dysfunctional sounds to begin with.............  The discussions/arguments we have always end up being really about something else.

C's 3rd molars (wisdom teeth) have been seriously bothering her for a good couple of weeks even though she is only 15.  In fact, the lower right tooth is a big problem as it's abcessing.  Her orthodontist gave her a referral to an oral surgeon after taking new x-rays.

When is there ever a good time for major and costly dental treatment?

M seems to be annoyed by the whole situation, but what can you do?!  Certainly don't take it out on me!

She has a consultation next Friday.  It's a foregone conclusion that they're going to have to come out even though that is being questioned after the orthodontist said so.  I also worked for a dentist for almost ten years so I have some experience with 3rd molars.

We have dental insurance or it could be worse.  $75.00 deductible, 40% coverage, $1000.00 max

I'm hoping that the dentist will be the voice of reason for M.  If I can get him to go to the consultation apppointment, that is.  Otherwise, we'll be in the same boat with him questioning everything I relay to him.

Caught UP in it ALL Again

How easy it is for me to get caught UP in Twilight doings again....  I guess I shouldn't be surprised at myself since my mood is so shifty with everything else, including over my regular quilting projects.  I still have more visitors to this blog looking for Bella's T-Shirt quilt and other Twilight quilt stuff than for any other reason.  I had heart palpitations over the Breaking Dawn movie teaser trailer last night.  I guess the movie seems more real and not so far away now.  I've not been as hyper about the whole Twilight-thing because I've not had anyone to share my excitement with.  I still keep the blog up and have worked more on projects of late, but it's not the same.

We're settling into summer quite nicely.  I love the warm weather!

Sarah, Alex, and Zach will be starting baseball soon and I'll be running around for that.  Caroline is trying to get on a competetive soccer team for summer and fall.  Sarah and Alex have three weeks of summer school to get through.  Sarah needs help with her math.  Z is taking class so that he can be in 9th Grade level math as an 8th grader.  He's already complaining about how boring it is....  I cross my fingers everyday when I leave for work that they will just get along enough to not kill each other.

C is still going strong with her boyfriend.  She's watching the kids for me during the day, but the minute I'm home she's out the door to some get together.  She maintains that it's a summer romance and that it will probably end when said boy goes off to college in the fall.  He'll just be up at CU, though.  C says she doesn't want to be tied down while he's up at college and she's trying to have fun down here in high school.  I don't know if it's just posturing or preparation in case he does break things off.  She's decidedly not clingy and I think he likes that.

I've got a couple of projects going, including the Twilight quilt, but I'm still finding it hard to sew regularly.  I hope I get out of my funk soon!