I'm debating whether or not to throw myself back into life.....  This would mean forcing myself to get out in the world and maybe joining some type of group...trying to make friends....being more social.

When I was 16, I tried to commit suicide.  The memories are blurry in my mind.  I don't know if it's because I've killed off too many brain cells or if it's just the way my brain works.  (I don't remember anything about growing up or even from when my kids were little.)  I do remember feeling that I didn't want to be in this world any more.  There was a lot going on in my life.  I wasn't adjusting well to school after our move to Colorado.  My grades, doing well in school had always defined me, were slipping and I had a couple of Cs.  My mom had just had my brother.  My grandfather was living with us and dying of stomach cancer.  My dad was working out of state.  I took a bunch of Advil and Tylenol because it was the only thing available.  All that ended up happening is that I got really sick.  I didn't even get taken to the hospital.

After that experience, I threw myself into life.  I forced myself to make a friend and to be more social.  I got through the last two years of high school.  I had to work really hard at things.  Deep down, though, I was the same person.  Passive Aggressive.  Not well-liked.  A place holder.

In most respects, I do feel like it's too late for me.  I usually take the easy road of making excuses and just whining about things.  My latest thing to say is that I'll have more time when the kids are older, but I know there will always be some obstacle that I put in my way.

I'm beyond reinventing myself.