One More Time with Feeling

The standard symptoms of depression: Persistent sad or “empty” mood Loss of interest or pleasure in ordinary activities Decreased energy, fatigue, feeling “slowed down” Sleep disturbance – sleeping too much or too little Appetite and weight changes – either loss or gain Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, irritability Thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts.


Is the lack of direction the worst part of depression?

A: Oh, no. The most horrible part of living with depression was that I was not a good parent. That is one of the most devastating aspects of depression—no matter how I seemed on the outside, to other people—inside my brain I hurt so bad and was so scared that I was incapable of being the loving and nurturing parent I wanted to be. Depression affects not only the person who has it, but everyone they deal with.

You came close to suicide several times. Could you share some of your thoughts about this?

A: There were many times when I didn’t want to live. It’s not that I wanted to commit suicide. That requires at least a certain amount of planning and action, and I was incapable of doing that at the time. I just wanted not to be, to escape that terrible mental pain. Suicide causes immense pain to the survivors, who often blame themselves. But I don’t think most people who commit suicide do it to inflict pain. They may actually believe they are doing their loved ones a favor. When you are in the bottom of that black hole of depression you incorrectly believe that you are totally helpless—that is, nothing you can do will change anything—and totally hopeless—it will always be that way. So if that is the way you are understanding reality, then suicide becomes, in a way, a logical choice. That sounds twisted, and it is. Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem.

Depression Visible - The Ragged Edge

Maybe I should make a therapy quilt?