Lifting Weights

Payday!  I enjoyed it for all of two seconds before I logged on or made the calls to pay bills.  I'm left with $150.00 for two weeks.  Gas, groceries, and incidentals will eat that up quicker than I can blink.  I'll be asking for money from M by Monday, stressing over the asking and whether or not he'll help me.  He'll have to get the kids' school supplies and anything else that they need for sure.

I'm in quite the pickle, but the end is in sight.  I've got six more months of financial misery before I'll be in a better situation.  I'll still have one bill to pay another six months on, but then I will be in the clear.

I did the responsible thing by paying these bills today as soon as I got paid.  If I don't do this, I get myself into trouble.  One of them was past due and I have gotten a letter, email, and four calls a day, two each to my home phone and cell, requesting payment.  Calls that I should have taken, but ones I ignored because I couldn't deal.

My stomach in knots and my brain a buzz.....all because I wasn't responsible a month ago and went shopping for a girls day out with Sarah and because I took some days off from work when C had her surgery.  How quickly things snowball!

The funny thing is and a truth I wish I could realize is that I feel better even though I don't have any money.  I usually spend money, even on needed things, knowing I have bills to pay and then I feel horrible and sick seconds after.  Then, I spend whatever amount of time until I get paid eaten alive by stress.

I've gotten into the habit of this and it's hard to break the cycle.  It's almost like I don't know how else to live or I live off of these bad feelings.

Crazy!

I don't get much help from those around me, especially the kids.  I've been honest with them about how desperate my situation is, but they still constantly ask me for stuff.  Kids will be kids and I'm supposed to be able to say no, but its so tough.  I remember growing up and my parents not having any money.  I knew early in life not to ask for things.  If we couldn't get it at the commissary or at the BX, we didn't get it and, even if we did, it probably had to go on layaway first.

The fact that they still ask me and pester me for stuff makes me angry and depressed a lot.  I never know when M can help or when he can't.  He'll say that he doesn't have any money and then he'll go out an buy something--maybe he just doesn't have any money for me?

I'm positive today, but who knows how I'll feel tomorrow.