Too Much to Handle

I have no time to be depressed.  I've decided.  This is not the first time I've moved on from a situation figuring it will just go away, but it's the way I roll.  I started thinking, though.

My mom had a full colonoscopy on Friday.  She got a good report.  It took her the whole weekend to recover and said it was a gawd awful thing to have to go through....  Something to look forward to, I guess.  The good news is that she won't have to have another one for 10 years unless she develops symptoms of a sort that would require another sooner.

We got into a discussion this morning after I asked her about how she was feeling and reviewing the kids' schedules, but she had to go after a spell....just about the time I started to talk about my suicide attempt when I was 16.  We were on the subject because she brought up about how she was worried about my brothers--B, 35 , specifically.  (K, 24, just went on anti-depressants.)  The latest news is that she thinks B's live-in girlfriend has moved out.  I was trying to express my serious concern about his welfare.  He has troubles in just about every area of his life and I think we all should be VERY worried.  I may seem callous, but I've been THERE.  Many people, including my parents, would say it can never be that bad.  It's more than that.  One may feel worse at times than other, but it's not always about degrees.  For me, it's about hope, things to look forward to, and even responsibilities that keep me from doing anything--oh, and my aversion to pain as an overriding factor. 

I was trying to be cautionary with my mom.  I was also trying to discuss our family's propensity towards depression and OCD.  Her answer about my situation and how she didn't realize how in trouble I was was that she had a new baby and was dealing with my grandfather dying of cancer who was living with us.  I get that.  I wasn't asking for an apology.....  I was trying to get her to realize that she shouldn't "ignore" for whatever reason how desperate B might be.  She didn't want to talk or couldn't.

My Mom Strike lasted for all of two days.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I don't know if I got through to anyone or not.  I think M just figured I was having another one of my spells and that it would blow over.  He ignored me and was real jovial with the kids.  I'm in a losing position no matter how you look at it.

I guess I'll have to just get back to business.  I plan on attacking the bathroom this weekend.  It hasn't been cleaned in..............  I'm going to buy a new shower curtain and rod to cover up the exposed brick wall in my shower.  I'm also going to buy a shower curtain set to go where one usually goes.  I'm also going to price front doors, research how to fix screens, and pick out paint.  I know I've said I was going to take charge of home improvements before, but I mean it this time!

On the sewing front:  I sewed a little last night.  I started piecing the Twilight book cover block I made.  I've already discovered one problem area in one of the sections, but I think I can fix it without too trouble.

Morbidly Depressed



C went to her Homecoming stag.....at least that's the story she tells me.

She got ready at someone else's house.

We had to take pictures at someone else's house.

She was out until 1 a.m. even though M told her to be home by 12.

He has nothing much to say.  I have a lot to say, but no one seems to listen.

We're to work out our problems....

She goes about her merry way and I'm sick to my stomach among other things.

I was THIS close today.

Outsmarted

I'm routinely outsmarted by kids....

I dropped Z off at school for his suspension this morning, escorting him inside.

I wanted to know who the kids were that he was having trouble with and be able to recognize them from now on.

He pointed one of the boys out before we went inside.

When I came back out I saw him and two other boys together.  I walked up to them asked if the boy Z had pointed out was xxxxxx, and he said no I'm zzzzzz.  I asked if the other two boys were aaaaaa and xxxxx.  They said they were.

I said Okay....I'm glad I know who you are now.

I got a phone call from the school after I arrived at work saying that the boys reported me for acosting them on school grounds.

I never introduced myself, but they knew who I was.....

I guess you can be a total %#$* to another kid repeatedly, call him a FAG, push another kid, get away with it, AND get the mother in trouble, too.

The meeting tomorrow should be interesting.

Public School, Bullies, Powerless

I am so angry, frustrated, and sad right now.

Z is serving Day #1 of a two day in-school suspension for pushing/punching another kid.

I'm at a loss.

Fixed

You ladies called it.....

The dryer got fixed last night.

M has a total of three shirts to wear to work with the new company because they (he) hasn't been able to make a decision on which ones he wants.

I knew he'd hop to it, looking at the dryer that is, when it came down to him needing something washed.

I waited to wash his shirts until last night so I could include #3.  I was kind enough to wash the load, but stoically told him that there were two loads to be dried ahead of his shirts and since it was taking 2x as long for things to dry, well.........  Oh, and I'm going to bed to read Clockwork Angel since I couldn't get into the football game.  (A really good book by the way so I wasn't really just making excuses.)

It ended up being a loose wire to a fuse or something so he didn't even have to replace a part.  How much easier would it have been for him to just look at it on Sunday?!

Something that isn't fixed is me.  I've been experiencing some numbness in my hands for the past year.  I've had trouble with my hands for almost 20 years and I just deal with it.  I went through the testing for Carpal Tunnel when that syndrome was really in vogue, but I never considered surgery or anything.  I address my issues with occasional Advil, ice, and rest.  My index fingers started going numb and turning white when subjected to cold about a year ago.  I got online to see what it might be and it could be any number of things.  Yesterday, I noticed that my lips and chin felt numb.  I may not even really noticed, but I've been aware of my face the past couple of days because I got sunburned on Saturday and my lips have been chapped.  It's a weird feeling like the one you get when you see the dentist, get anesthetic, and your lips start waking up.  I guess I will be scheduling an appointment soon as we get our insurance straightened out.

Perfect Example

shhhhh....  I had to wait until M left to write this post and for the Internet to be back up at my house.

Get ready!

Today is a perfect example of the difference between M and I, illustrates my frustration, and just makes me want to jump up and down like a two-year old for the second time this week.

My dryer stopped working efficiently yesterday.  It still runs and dries things, but it takes at least twice as long for things to get dry.

There's always more to my story, though.

For instance, M didn't realize there was a problem yesterday while I was gone at Z's game, etc.  C didn't tell him that she used three cycles to get her clothes dry.  (The fact that she was actually doing her laundry at all was a minor miracle.  I had to warn her that she was not to make any plans for the weekend other than laundry since she's been such a party girl slacker for the past two months.)

How did WE come to find out about the problem?  Well, I had to have a freak out about the fact that only one load of laundry got done.

It gets better, of course.....

There was NO way I was going to be out of a dryer for any length of time!  I prodded M last night when I got home to promise that he would FIX it today.  (He promised to LOOK at it, but I was going to be sure sore if it didn't get FIXED.)

I took C out this morning for mother-daughter time at Einsteins.  We've been having issues....  I had also heard that she was having boy troubles from S.  She wanted to shop at Kohl's for her Homecoming dress.  We had a nice morning.  She also got her first pair of high heels--I talked her into them.

When we got home, M was gone.  I was happy because I was SURE he was out getting a part for the dryer.  Turns out he was at Microcenter buying a new wireless router.  *^%$  we NEEDED (he needed to speed up his connection for COMPUTER GAME---I swear because I haven't NOTICED any difference in our speed.)

Great.  Wonderful.  NO problem.  Forget the fact that I just spent $100 dollars on C for dress, etc.  (I couldn't really let on that I had bought a couple of quilt books, now could I?!)  I'll just told him that I hope he saved some money for her mani-pedi and up-do.  He looked back at me with glazed eyes.....

What I'm MOST annoyed at is the fact that he spent from 11:30 until 4:45 trying to get the %$^&*#@ thing to work.  He's now at the park with C for soccer practice.  My dryer NEVER got looked at and so it's still drying slow.

Is it a manner of a difference of priorities.  I should only hope so.  I mustn't be anything else.  I don't SUSPECT at all that he did this on purpose!

To ME, laundry is important....  I guess it's lower on the list of M's priorities.

A Well Oiled Machine

I'm home keyed up from a full day of soccer and a night of drinking and chit chat.  Oh, my!!

As mentioned, all four kids had soccer games.  The day got off to a screechy start, ME, because we had a missing soccer sock and some disastrous rooms.  I escaped earlier than planned to ply myself with iced coffee in hopes of calming my nerves.

Gotta love Rec Soccer...

S's game:  0-2, but not a bad loss.  The girls looked SO much better losing.  A new coach and new attitudes mean good things for this team even if they get off to a slow start.  I wasn't happy with the Ref--a dad from the other team--who was decidedly biased and it showed or the lack of sportsmanship by the other team which said "Good Lose" as they slapped hands with S's team at the end of the game.  S got to play forward and had fun!

C's game: 7-1  I love watching her team play.  They are like a well oiled machine when they are playing well.  Today the team was faster and more aggressive than the other team.  They simply outplayed their opponents.  I only got to see about half of the game because I had to leave it early to get Z to his game.

Z:  0-7.....awful!  Z didn't play much because of his bruised ankle.  His team has a lot of issues including parents coaching from the sidelines in Spanish and too many boys that think they are all World Cup caliber players who don't know that soccer is a TEAM sport.

****All the teams have handouts that discuss parent coaching.  The thing is:  who will a kid listen to?  The coach or a parent he know he has to go home with?!

A:  0-5.  I didn't get to see any of A's game.  A didn't seem to be bothered at all according to M.  A actually almost scored a goal for the other team.  I almost think they shouldn't switch goals at this age.  M says that the only reason the other team kicked so much butt was because they "played more efficiently as a mob of soccer players."  It's the 7-year old age group.

I got too much sun again.  I wore a long sleeved shirt today because the mornings are now chilly this time of year.  I have the dumbest looking sunburn/tan now as a result because I had my shirt sleeves pushed up at an angle.  I now have three-toned arms and my neck V a couple of shades in different shapes.

We stopped at Barnes and Noble on the way home from Z's game.  I offered to buy him a book so he would just read....something.  He ended up with the new Bones book which a glorifed comic book, excuse me...graphic novel, but at least he's reading something!

S was invited to spend the night at her coach's house with her daughter.  I bought pizza for them since they had treated S to lunch.  I ended up staying and having a couple of Mike's Hard Limeades and chatting.  I kept saying I was going to go, but Coach kept talking to me like she didn't mind my chatter so I stayed for over four hours.  It was nice to get out and chat with another woman.  It's always enlightening for many reasons.  You see that you're not alone in your problems, struggles, family issues, etc.  You also hear yourself talk if you listen well enough and can hear how ridiculous some of the stuff you are bitching about really is.....

A Day of Soccer Games: Week 2

All four kids have soccer games this week and to complicate things only one of them is a home game.  C also has a volleyball tournament that she is participating in.  (She will go to the tournament, leave for her soccer game, and then return to the tournament.)

M was trying to plan our attack last night and I was just getting confused.  I finally said just tell me when and where I need to be.

There are plenty of other issues going on around here, but I'm just the mom.

If I had been smart, I would have some little project to work on....but we know I'm not smart.  I don't make the most of my time.  Yeah, I'm here blogging instead of doing so I get it.  I probably wouldn't work much on anything anyway.  I'd be chatting to everyone before the game and then watching the game.

I made a nice list of supplies for applique yesterday, but now I can't find it.  I almost ordered the Perfect Circles online, but I started adding way too much to my shopping cart to make it worthwhile.

I also found the coolest black and pink flame soccer ball fabric to make S a bag that I didn't order.

I did fairly well holding onto my money last payday.  I tried not to buy anything but the essentials instead of blowing my check in two days.  I've not done as well, buying some cheapo athletic shoes and some knit pants at WalMart.  It's my plan to walk around the school where S's soccer practice is held while practicing.  Ha.....  I also had to buy a new hairdryer--they don't make things like they used to as this one was only a year old.  I also bought two new T-shirts--I've about worn out all the ugly grey shirts I wear everday.  I really hate clothes--I just feel fat!  With all this, I talked myself out of the online quilting purchases because I also bought some stuff at Creative Needle.  I've had my eye on Sharon Schamber's Piecelique Curves book to use to make the Eclipse Quilt ribbon.

I got the nicest email last night.  A mom and her daughter entered the T-shirt Quilt Giveaway.  Turns out they've been reading the blog since the summer and like what they see.  It's always nice to hear that!  Thanks to everyone that visits.....  you are the BEST!

I See Applique in My Future

I've railed many a times about my lack of will and skill when it comes to applique.  If truth be told, the reason why I don't do it is because I don't have the patience.  I'm certain that I could become proficient, at least, if I would Just Do It.

I'm ready to try!

I've been tempted into buying supplies by this designer and Queen of Applique, Erin Russek.  I don't remember how I stumpled upon her blog exactly, but I've routinely visited ever since.  I was thrilled to discover that she a Coloradoan, too!  I am going to use her methods to applique--she hasn't reinvented the wheel necessarily since she uses the template and starch method, but her tutorials are great.  I learn best from photos and by doing.  I have purchased Templar template sheets so far.

She will be hosting a free 2011 applique BOM called My Tweets.  The center block is up on her blog.  The Miss Kelly block has to be purchased, but I believe the other blocks in the BOM will be free.  You have a chance to win Miss Kelly, though.

Quilting to Belong

I'm in a hard press of resist mode today.  I'm being tempted by so many projects.  Quiltalongs and other blogging quilt projects.  I find myself wanting to do one, or two, or.....  The projects are nice and the quilts would be fun to make, but they would be more of a distraction than something I really need to make.  They aren't really patterns that I would pick out to make if they weren't part of some online project.

It would be me once more quilting to belong more than any other reason.

It's not like I don't have other projects that I've picked out to make or try to finish,  but I can't seem to motivate myself to get busy.

Motivation is a big factor with my quilting.

And, yes, I have unfulfilled promises out there that should be motivation enough....but they haven't been.

Deadline or......No

How easy it was for me to get out of the habit of quilting.  I've got a couple of projects lined up, but I can't seem to get myself to jump into them.  I did practice some free motion last night, but that's about it.  (The Magic Genie Bobbin Washers do not like the other machine.  I haven't tried them in the Pfaff yet.)  I want to be able to master "writing" on fabric now because I saw the coolest project yesterday at the quilt shop that I want to try.

I'm pondering setting an official deadline for finishing the Eclipse Quilt.  What are deadlines to me?  Deadlines pretty much mean nothing.  I procrastinate up to them and then sometimes ignore them to be late finishing figuring everyone will just accomodate me.

Why bother, then?  Well....I never seem to give up trying on some things.  This project is dangerously close to becoming one of my infamous UFOs.  I've been thinking for weeks about the next block and I can't seem to get my butt in gear.  My latest idea is to try thread painting to make Riley and a few other members of the Newborn Army on the camo fabric I was gifted.  I've been looking through books, magazines, and at tutorials for the past couple of days.

Happy Anniversary

M and I have been married 16 years today.  I asked the day off over a month ago thinking M and I could take the day off together.  M is working today.  I am off.  Par for the course....

I've always been jealous of SAHMs.  I'll admit it!  I could have been a SAHM if I'd have planned better.  Today I feel like a SAHM.  I dropped the kiddos off at school.  I calmly and leisurely went to Einstein bagels and Starbucks for breakfast.  (yay....Pumpkin Spice Lattes are back!!!!)  I went to the grocery store to get dinner next.  BOGO rump roast on sale.  Roast is cooking in the Crockpot right now.  After prepping dinner, I started some laundry and got the dishwasher going after loading it.  Checked the blogs and the 'Net a bit....

I held off as long as I could resisting the GAQF Fall Sale.  I kept telling myself I didn't need anything, other than inspiration, but I gave in and made a trip up there.  I won't say how much I spent, but I got some items I've been wanting.  Machingers, Templar template sheets because I am going to APPLIQUE with help of Erin Russek, and Serendipity Quilts.  (Which, if I'd been thinking, I'd have bought at Amazon or at Connecting Threads to take advantage of free shipping and also buying that fabric I've been lusing after).

I'd been wanting to try Cafe 180.  It's a community kitchen.  (Check this site to see if their is one in your neck of the woods.)  It's been open for about a month, but because it's only open for lunch I've not been able to go.  The food was excellent!!!!!!!!  I had the most amazing pizza and salad--VERY GOURMET--for a $5 donation.  I probably should have paid more.  I totally love the concept and I hope the restaurant survives.  If you're in town, please check it out AND, better yet, invite me to go with....

Off to more SAHM stuff.

It Gets Better

I came home from two soccer practices to find dog poop on the floor and M watching a 10 year + CU/Nebraska football game like it was a live game.  Now I like football as much as the rest of you, but give me a break.  Nothing like trying to relive the glory days by watching CU kick Nebraska's butt old school.  You would have been so proud of me.  I looked the other way, but picked up the mess without bitching.  Fixed our 8:00 p.m dinner without any help.  Loaded the dishwasher in a trance.  Retreated to my room to read a really bad romance, but the sex was good.

I've been trying to find a project to work on.  In making the rounds, I've found some intriguing Quilt-Alongs.  One of them is a quilt-as-you-go project using this tutorial.  I've always wanted to try this technique.  I'm seriously thinking about at this point because I think the project would provide the perfect opportunity for me to practice the free-motion patterns I've been reading at 365 Days......  I also need a no-fuss quilt to take to soccer games.

I've also made some strides.  I officially removed a certain someone's blog off my reading list.  I haven't visited the forum in over a week.  Baby steps.....

On that note, I haven't given up on the Twilight Book Cover pattern.  I want my hands to have more detail than what is possible with the available pattern.  I know it can be done along the same lines as the Silver Linings Original patterns I've been using.  I am so close to figuring this out!  I found some freeware on another blog that I downloaded and have been monkeying around with:  Gimp and PosteRazor.  I've been able to print the hand in a much larger size and have been working to section the printed photo out into a paper piecing pattern.  Wish me luck!

So far I've used my white quilting marking pencil and done some test sectioning.

So What R U Going to Do About IT?

I was fairly whiney last post.  Don't I know it?!  Can't say it's out of my system....but that I doesn't mean I'm not also looking for solutions OTHER THAN RETAIL THERAPY.

I can't do anything about the kids' schedules.  What kind of mom would I be if I didn't let them play sports, etc and made sure they got there?  I can't say that I'm going to get out of helping them with their homework either.

I can't make them any more accountable at home.  Believe me, I'VE TRIED.  I've tried cajoling them, YELLING, crying, BEGGING.  I've even stopped doing things.  NOTHING WORKS  If they want to live in a pig sty, I guess I'm going to just let them.

re:  Work

I've become a bit of a lazy butt, too trusting, and a baby.  When I started this job, it was too good--a little bit of bookkeeping, answering the phones, and paper shuffling.  My responsibilities have evolved tremendously and I'm not much happy about it.  Since quitting is not an option, I guess I'll have to make the best of it, including trying to make some changes that will help me be less stressed out.

Not Even Cool

C thinks she is SO cool....

Oh, to be a teenager again where life consists of boys, fashion, boys, friends, boys, school, boys!

I found this picture on the camera after hunting it down in C's room so I could take some pictures of my own.  I think this pic will probably show up on her FB page if it hasn't already.

I am beyond being cool.  Being cool, looking great, doing what I want to do aren't even in the realm of possibility for me anymore and IT SUCKS!

Now all I look forward to is having an uneventful morning-----NEVER HAPPENS-----a quiet day at work----NEVER HAPPENS-----a peaceful evening-----NEVER HAPPENS.

Yesterday morning it was A who decided he was too tired to go to school.  I had to drag him into the building and beg for help.  (This was the culmunation of a hectic morning that involved yelling--ME--and crying--THEM.)  I was a half hour late to work.  Work was AWFUL!  We ended our evening with more tears after learning that Z has two F's and a D--he's been in school since 8/16.

Today, I had a flat tire.  I picked up a screw at some point yesterday--maybe at one of the two soccer practices I had to be at in addition to getting C from volleyball.  Fortunately, M noticed it before he left for work and changed it for me after dropping Z off early for play practice (yes, we will be discussing activities if his grades don't improve).  He dropped the tire off to be told that it was ruined because of where the screw embedded itself.  Thank God for warranties!  The tire will be replaced with a small pro-rated fee to paid by us.  M was an hour late to work.

Yes, life is what you make of it.  I seem to be making a disaster pie out of mine.

Oh, yeah, that's right.  I'm supposed to be positive about things.  I'm supposed to be able to handle all this crap.  Prayer is not even helping me right now.  I tried drinking last week--one weak margarita and I was toasted and I woke up with a headache the next day.

UGH!

I'm just happy to have survived the day....

The T-Shirt Quilt (My Version of Bella's T-Shirt Quilt)

It's finished!  Instead of starting something new after getting my quilting life back together, I decided to finish the T-shirt quilt.  Read all about it at The Twilight Quilters Coven.  Thank you to everyone that was so supportive and especially Elizabeth that donated the In and Out shirt.

Quilting at Midnight

maybe that's when I'll have to do it?

Quilting: Be All That You Can Be!

I've done more thinking about quilting than the actually doing of it in the past month.  I put myself in a situation getting the T-shirt quilted so I could finish it, but I've let it sit for a couple of weeks because I'm not ready to be daring yet and try that new caterpillar binding.  I'm pretty aggravated with myself.  I've cleaned up my supplies and I feel better for it but even that process has gotten me to reflect on purchases, projects, and who I am as a quilter and my future.

As is my modus operandi, I work myself up into a tizzy and then sit back and take stock of things.

I've done a lot of blog hopping recently and I've seen some amazing work out there and it's made me ask myself,  "Am I the quilter I want to be and COULD be?"

How anyone else chooses to quilt is their business!  I just know that I'm not who I want to be as a quilter.  I want to take better care.  I want to try new techniques.  I want to finish more things--but, I'm not putting myself in a race.

Quilting will never be more than a hobby for me.  I don't have the stamina, patience, or training to have it be more than that.  But, even as a hobby quilter, I know I could be so much more.  It's like when I was talking about the quilting thing.  It's that I don't spend enough time on my projects.  I'm usually in a rush to finish something.

Even though I'm not in a race, I feel like I've been jogging in place for a long time as far as the type of projects I work on.