In Search of Happiness: Will it always allude me?

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Shannon: the MONSTER


More than one person in my life has asked me if I know how to be happy? Others have written me off because I'm such an unhappy person.

I tried an exercise. I tried to list times in my life when I've felt happy and I was hard pressed to come up with many or at least remember the instances. I do feel like a cloud hovers over me all the time. Any happiness that I feel and/or acknowledge is always tempered by some negativity I identify and focus on.

I'm reading a book someone gave me years ago, but refused to read. I've never given it away, though, which is very telling. The Addictive Personality by Craig Nakken. It's focus is understanding the addictive process and compulsive behavior.

The book begins with a basic premise that happiness is cyclical and uncontrollable. (I'll have to think more about this. Does happiness find you or do you find it?)

The book says that almost all people crave happiness and are able to experience it during points in their lives, but for what ever reason it slips away. Don't worry happiness returns, but these cycles of happiness are virtually uncontrollable. It's impossible and unrealistic to be happy all the time. When people try to effect happiness unnaturally with a substance or an action, they increase their potential for addiction.

I think I should be happy with just being unhappy. LOL...... If I weren't trying to be happy all the time, then I wouldn't do things to effect the mood change associated with the euphoria. I wouldn't compulsively shop. I wouldn't try to be part of groups when I don't really like or identify with their purpose just to be a part of the group.

I skipped over a lot of the book last night to get to the solutions or steps to take to get well. What you say?!

One of these is to become more spiritual. I would like this to be an effective step for me. I've discussed my difficulty in attending church lately. I've talked about my disappointment in not being more a part of the congregration. This is a big fib. I want to go to church. I don't want to be bothered with all the social requirements, though. For instance, this has become a huge part of the service of late and is one of the reasons I've not wanted to go. Instead of the "Peace be with you....and also with you..." part of the service to greet those attending, the pastor has required us to participate in an exercise where we spend three minutes with another group/person and get to know each other and then finding another new person/group and introducing your new friends to them. Excruciating!

Before you think I walk around with a scowl on my face all the time and growl at people--that is SO not the case. Before you think that I don't know how to be neighborly or help out in a pinch--that's not the case either! I'm usually a very pleasant person. I know how to behave in social situations. YES, it would be better by most people's standards if I desired to be more social but I don't. I hate being forced to. I dislike feeling guilty because I'm not living up to expectations to be so.

WHY can't people just accept that I'm this way. You don't have to like it or me. When do I get to be ME?