Technical Difficulties

Sorry! I had some technical difficulties after I tried to edit and add a new look. I really screwed up this thing, but I think I've got it all under control.

Wow....it's Sunday night and the weekend just blew by. Definitely not happy about it, but there's nothing I can do except look forward to next weekend and to hope that the week zooms by with little incident.

Todays doings:

Trudged to church. Squirmed in my seat for the service with the rest of the kids. (At least we didn't have Communion.) I know I sound ungrateful and unworthy, but I am struggling. If my faith was just between God and me, it would be an entirely different story. I know I'm not explaining myself to well, but I don't have it in me. Suffice to say before the past couple of months, I was really trying by putting on a very positive face and praying a lot. The kids have become so difficult about going and church has become one more thing that I have to NAG about.

I can't tell you how over I am about having to nag about almost EVERYTHING.

I'm feeling lost. I'm questioning my strength. I'm about to give up on this, too.

And on a funny note, I'm totally obsessed over the One Night with the King movie from movie night a couple of weeks ago. The story of Esther and Xerxes fascinates me. I've been reading up and I'm totally aware that this movie is an incredibly romanticized tale of their story, but I need some romance in my life. I find it very interesting that this movie specifically depends on Jacob, Rachel, and Leah's story as important to the plot, another incredibly fascinating story. I've always enjoyed the history and stories more than the drudgery and politics associated with church going. I've always wanted to know more and tried on numerous occasions studying up, including being inspired for awhile by the Women of the Bible BOM a couple of years ago, but always got distracted with other things. This is my first real attempt as an adult to be involved with organized religion.

One would probably guess that I struggle in THIS group setting as well. One would think, that in this setting of circumstance and reserve, that I could make it work. One would think.......... I always feel like an outsider. Trust me, I tried to get involved but I know it's not imagination as to how set in their ways the congregation is. I wasn't trying to change the world, but infuse some new ideas into doing things. After being rebuffed on all occasions, I've given up.

I've been on Shuffle all afternoon. I've been using my IPod to tune out the world at night with some audiobooks, but I've forced myself to get back into some music. I have over 1000 songs on the thing and I'm enjoying listening to my favorites and shuffling through the rest. I loaded an ITunes card and bought some new tunes the past couple of days. Avril Lavigne's Alice, Lady Antebellum's Need You Now, Mat Kearney's Closer to Love, and Phoenix's 1901.

So, if I can get into a book I may be feeling better on the surface. I doubt my heart will never be the same. I'm just trying to figure out enough distractions.